....... So hopefully everyone had a safe and enjoyable Halloween this year. I'd say mine was just about average. I got to enjoy some fun times on the job (and actually placed third in the annual costume contest), got to spend some time with my son (which is always sweet), and got to have a minor mental break down by the end of the night (which can be very liberating).
I dressed up as a dark entity / dark angel for work and it was pretty intense. I'm not usually one to make a big fuss about things but in an effort to prevent FOMO I decided to dress up. Here I am:
This experience has 2 parts. The first part is characterized by an overwhelming feeling of absolute insecurity. The second part by mostly feeling good and self pride. So here we go...
I walk in to my workplace. It's 7:00am on Friday (Halloween is on Saturday). I'm walking up the steps and begin to notice that NOT ONE SINGLE person has a costume on aside from myself. I make the long walk to the Nurse's station and can see I'm surrounded by every one of my professional collogues, plus the weekly Doctor, a Podiatrist, the Podiatrist's assistant, and a butt load of student nurses that just happen to be there for clinical. Everyone's talking about important things, getting ready for the day, and of course - dressed very professionally.
Needless to say I stood out a bit. Just about immediately I'm offered smiles, gestures, comments and various glances - 50% genuine / 50% "wow tj you must feel like a total douche right about now, but maybe my comment will help you feel better." I try to compose myself as one of the residents pointed and exclaimed through pure guttural laughter, "oh man - I feel bad for you!" - Thanks.... wow.
So anyway panic hits me like a freight train and I'm having some internal dialogue, "You're ok tj, it's the season, IT IS the costume contest today, you're smart, you're funny, you're cool... You can do this" combined with "Jesus please let me hold this down, what if I'm the ONLY person who dresses up, oh my God you're gonna die tj, everyone's gonna remember this day as the biggest fuck up of your whole life!" Quite the adventure so far... and it's only about 7:30am
BUT - good things come to those who wait thank God because eventually I realized that some people were wearing Halloween oriented scrubs, others were handing out candy and stickers, etc. Residents began to dress up once they were ready for the day, and shortly after 10 am TJ began to feel something like his old self again.
By the end of the day there were actually a lot of people dressed up. We were having fun, I was getting a lot of compliments, I felt good, and actually placed 3rd in the contest for my costume. I was awarded with a gift card to dunkin donuts. A few hours of being out of my comfort zone for a good couple of caffeine buzzes? Overall I feel like it was well worth it. One of life's little social experiments...
Later on that night I went out with my Son, Cale, but we didn't end up too far because he started to feel cold and his feet started to hurt. He is getting over a nasty bug so I understood where he was coming from. To save the night I offered to drive him around some of the "haunted" places on the old PAFB - Cale REALLY enjoyed that so I was happy to do it for him. By the end we were hungry and decided to cap the night off with a pizza. We talked about ghosts and witches and other scary things... Not too shabby.
Many of you know me for being cool, calm, collected, mellow, even keeled, etc... Not much ever seems to bother me, and for the most part I enjoy things that way. So hopefully it will be a nice change to share something with you that actually did bother me, make me think some severe thoughts, and how I came out of it.
Just as I was getting ready for bed I came down with a sudden and very intense hatred for my living situation, my family, my endeavors, my life in general. All at once I felt like my whole life was just a series of failed attempts at things, and that I would never ever get anywhere I wanted to be. I have a very low tolerance for people who get so wasted on drugs and alcohol that they can barely function properly / or under go severe personality changes / or do selfish and stupid things - (for personal reasons I won't go further on that subject) but suffice it to say I was dealing with that in a variety of forms. On top of that I was tired, cold, worried about financial things, worried about having a functioning relationship with my son, worried that I don't know how to have a relationship with anyone, resigning myself to a 10x10 room, forever doomed to be a bottom bound loser.
It hit me really hard and the thought of just driving away seemed really appealing at the moment. The feeling of pure escape felt so amazing. To just leave it all behind... I held on to that feeling as long as I could and eventually came to the conclusion that although I wouldn't be able to fix any of my circumstances right away, the mental feeling of liberation was quite nice. The feeling of - "hey... fuck it." Fuck it! right? What an amazing concept - It felt really good... Now, I've said fuck it before but never have been quite so walked through the appropriate context.
I was feeling REALLY shitty. I mean just awful. Like out of the ordinary awful - but then it was followed by a feeling of pure joy and even a type of selfish awareness like I stumbled across a secret. fuck it - as in just letting it all be. Surrendering all the crappy stuff, letting it go and realizing life goes on. I still have control and my CIRCUMSTANCES aren't ME. Like I said before, it was very liberating.
As I'm writing this, looking back. I think this was just a case of bad day / bad energy or something along those lines. Feeling low and self loathing is something I'm sure a lot of people do on occasion. But in conclusion, I would like to say that something kind of interesting happened. I don't particularly enjoy bad things when they occur, but I do find it necessary to REALLY appreciate the good things that life has to offer. Consider it to be a lesson in letting go / self forgiveness / the art of allowing.
We should all say fuck it once in while.
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....... Last time I said I would talk a little bit about "Bro fever" and how that happens when you start going to the gym. I'm not sure if there is such a thing as "Bro fever" - but personally, I find myself getting more and more into the lifestyle of actively taking measures to improve my physical health. I find myself getting excited about going there, getting involved, feeling good afterwards, knowing physical results will come. I'm spending more time looking at gym stuff on line, getting tips and tricks, reading up on supplements and eating techniques. Embracing soreness haha
I'm going on my second week of membership, and so far so good. I feel that initial nervousness is subsiding. I know everyone there at this point and feel like I'm among friends. Workouts are starting to sink in, I'm learning new moves, proper form, and getting into the flow of the class. My work schedule seems to allow for it as well which is nice.
Touching back to an important topic (and to get a little metaphysical) - Stress / feelings of self hatred / feeling that life sucks, etc... the gym is like a cure for all that. It's interesting and now that I think about it - I feel that maybe getting involved with powerhouse is metaphysically similar to taking my life and slamming it down on a table, much like you would do with a pack of cards / cigarettes to straighten them out. Or if you're into fish tanks, rocking it back and forth violently to get all the gravel even on the bottom.
Really intense feelings come from out of nowhere, I feel different at work, I feel different at home. Maybe it's all part of the process of starting something that's life changing and having to ride out the ripples that flow through you current life. (By this notion, the moment of negative self realization I had on halloween was just part of things settling - the gravel evening out.) Like I said before - Physical changes are felt very powerfully in the realm we're living in. They should be looked at seriously.
To get back on track.... YES - gym / "bro" / health fever - it's contagious. It's a good thing and a wild ride to boot. More updates to come - In the mean time I think you should hit up powerhouse gym. If you wanna start diggin' deep, looking good and feeling good you should get involved with RAW feat. Jenn Thume ; ))
and watch this guy for some broscience in the mean time:
"50% fact 50% magic 100% results" (lol)
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....... OK - Meditation - This is probably going to be a little lengthy so bare with me. You will get good information I promise. Meditation is crucial for becoming more in tune with the world around you. Meditation enables you to bridge the gap between the physical and non-physical. Meditation is stress relieving. Meditation allows you to turn your attention inward, make realizations about things, become more familiar with your personal truths, make you a calmer person, help you become more understanding - and the PHYSICAL health benefits are astounding. No pill you could take in the world is more natural, effective and less side effexy than plain old meditation.
In terms of Occultism, it's not only effective, but actually quite necessary to meditate on a regular basis. If we want to start penetrating to the deeper levels of existence and get more in synch with the world around us we need to take some time and actually invest in this process. It doesn't have to be MUCH time - but it does have to be HONEST time. 15-20 minutes a day is just fine. It's always been my opinion that it's better to be consistent. doing 15-20 minutes EVERY day will give much better results than doing it for an hour ONCE during the entire week. Life moves at a very high speed and meditating in short bursts daily will have a broader impact.
So what do I mean when I talk about meditation? I'm talking about the active turning inward of your focus / attention. When you meditate you sort of forget about the outside world for a little bit and focus your attention inward. You become more aware of what's going on in the inside. You become more aware of your feelings, thoughts, worries, concerns, etc... you can figure things out and get to the root of issues you're dealing with. You can place your attention on certain situations / matters and come to a better relationship with them.(Once you start doing this regularly, you can begin to understand what makes you tick, you become more aware of what truly makes you feel good, and also what seems to bother you.) Ultimately meditation (in my opinion) teaches us that we are in control of our attention, but furthermore, wherever we place our attention becomes our reality. Have you ever heard "A man is what he thinks about all day long." ? or "I think, therefore I am"? - you start to feel me on this?
There are as many ways to meditate as there are people on the earth. - That's an old joke. It's true though. Every person is totally unique and individual - and our paths to enlightenment are our own. Kind of like Frodo in lord of the rings - He's got to do it on his own. So do we. There are some basic correlating things that can assist you along the way though. This next few lines will explain "HOW" to meditate -
You should aim for a time you're not likely to be disturbed. Late evening before you go to bed is ok. Right after you get home from work is good too. Some people prefer right after they wake up in the morning. Ideally you want to be alone and unbothered. Whatever works for your schedule. Make time work for you.
You also want silence! Don't try to meditate when the kids are running all over, when you've got 15 minutes to be to work, when you're expecting an important call in half an hour. You want to be totally at peace and able to be on your own for a good 15-20 minutes.
Where should you meditate? Some say the bathroom is the most "psychic" / "calm" place in our homes, but I've never felt it to be a proper place to meditate myself. I prefer a living room chair, or the side of my bed. You want to make sure you won't get too cold either. After a few minutes of just being, the body tends to cool off and it's helpful to have a blanket or be already wearing full clothing. You can dress up the space with candles, incense, pictures of relatives, statues and whatnot - anything that will help to switch that portion of your mind on is helpful. You want to be physically comfortable. Make sure you're sitting in a nice chair, padded mattress, comfortable carpeted floor, etc. You're trying to get the physical body comfortable so it's happy while you're going deeper into yourself and the world around you. ....So pick a good place, that's quiet, during a part of the day when you have some time. If you can't find time - MAKE time. So ok, you're comfortable and ready to meditate - now what?
Some people like to listen to a guided meditation CD, or some new age type soothing music - This is fine. It depends on your personal taste. This is ALL about YOU - so trust your instincts. An actual guided CD can help because it brings you right through, you get to experience the feeling, and generally it does the trick. Soothing music is fine too, because it helps your mind switch to a lower frequency and achieve that meditative state. I myself have always preferred silence. Just plain old silence. I might listen to some soothing music beforehand to get me in the mood - but I have always believed that silence gives the truest and most solid connection with one's self. (and oddly enough, you'll notice our world is rarely ever truly "silent")
If you decide on listening to a guided meditation CD you're in for a journey because there are hundreds of them, all different ideas and ways of bringing you to your center. Some help to connect you with the earth, others connect you to spirit guides or help you remember past lives...There are so many that I can't speak much further on that. Just know - if you're listening to a guided CD you're under the influence of that CD and that idea / concept. If, however, you're on your own and going solo; meditation might look like something as follows:
You can close your eyes to start. Take a few deep breathes and allow your physical body to begin to relax. You're looking to slow down your breathing and hit a rhythm like you would if you're falling asleep. You're not falling asleep though. You're actively slowing down your body so you can go deep and become more aware of your thoughts and feelings. At first it's going to seem a bit hard, like you can't "not" think about something - and this is normal. You'll start thinking of things that worry you, things that are nagging you, things that stick out in your life - If this happens just acknowledge the thought, give it a meaning and purpose, let it go, and come back to your breathing / meditation.
Breathe in and out for a few minutes... easily, effortlessly, without judgment, with Universal rhythm. Eventually you'll find your "sweet spot" and you can breathe in and out perfectly without even feeling it. During this deep phase things will come to the surface. You'll begin to feel stronger emotions toward certain situations. You can sort through all the rubble and garbage you carry with you day to day. You're becoming more familiar with yourself and what your personal truths are.
Breathe in for a few more minutes - or as long as you like really. Take this time to be completely on your own - completely free. take this time and just be. Simply be. Set your energy to the frequency of life on this earth. This great big earth.
When you're ready and feel you've had a good session - you can begin to actively, slowly tell your attention to come back to your PHYSICAL body and your PHYSICAL surroundings. Wiggle your fingers, open your eyes, look around, and let yourself come back to HERE and NOW.
Chances are you will feel much different. End by choosing to feel a sensation of gratitude that you are now THAT much more knowledgeable of yourself, your thoughts and feelings. Keep in mind this is a trip you can take over and over again.
For many of us at first it will seem like this is something we don't want to do, something that's useless, or just a pain in the ass. This is because not many of us ever do this and we just aren't used to it! You need to go through the process of building up momentum... I can't stress this enough. It's supposed to feel uncomfortable / weird at first... but soon it becomes something you look forward to. Eventually after you build up some momentum, it grows. Your sessions become better and it will start to show up in your waking day to day life.
You become conscious of the deeper issues going on, you realize you have control, you resonate to the things and places you belong to. Life becomes more fun, you notice "coincidences" all the time, you feel more fulfilled, you feel like you're playing a bigger part. You're truly on a real adventure. The adventure of your life!
So look at you - You've penetrated into one of the secrets of the Universe, and you've taken the first steps on your path to enlightenment. If you feel like giving this a try, I promise you won't regret it. Like anything else, the more you put into it, the more you get back. One final note - Not all of us are going to be Picassos, or Jimmy Pages, or Buddhist Monks, but that doesn't mean we can't ENJOY the activity we like, and it doesn't mean we won't see results in our own lives. I wish you the best of luck as you start meditating.
Next time for my metaphysical discussion I'll talk about how we as humans interact with the world around us. I'll probably touch on the energy centers in our bodies and the relationship between "us" and "the outside world" - stay tuned my truly amazing and super cool friends...............................
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Thanks for reading - Questions, comments, concerns appreciated!
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