Halloween, Gym updates, Meditation

....... So hopefully everyone had a safe and enjoyable Halloween this year. I'd say mine was just about average. I got to enjoy some fun times on the job (and actually placed third in the annual costume contest), got to spend some time with my son (which is always sweet), and got to have a minor mental break down by the end of the night (which can be very liberating).

        I dressed up as a dark entity / dark angel for work and it was pretty intense. I'm not usually one to make a big fuss about things but in an effort to prevent FOMO I decided to dress up. Here I am:



        This experience has 2 parts. The first part is characterized by an overwhelming feeling of absolute insecurity. The second part by mostly feeling good and self pride. So here we go...

        I walk in to my workplace. It's 7:00am on Friday (Halloween is on Saturday). I'm walking up the steps and begin to notice that NOT ONE SINGLE person has a costume on aside from myself. I make the long walk to the Nurse's station and can see I'm surrounded by every one of my professional collogues, plus the weekly Doctor, a Podiatrist, the Podiatrist's assistant, and a butt load of student nurses that just happen to be there for clinical. Everyone's talking about important things, getting ready for the day, and of course - dressed very professionally.

     Needless to say I stood out a bit. Just about immediately I'm offered smiles, gestures, comments and various glances - 50% genuine / 50% "wow tj you must feel like a total douche right about now, but maybe my comment will help you feel better." I try to compose myself as one of the residents pointed and exclaimed through pure guttural laughter, "oh man - I feel bad for you!" - Thanks.... wow.

       So anyway panic hits me like a freight train and I'm having some internal dialogue, "You're ok tj, it's the season, IT IS the costume contest today, you're smart, you're funny, you're cool... You can do this" combined with "Jesus please let me hold this down, what if I'm the ONLY person who dresses up, oh my God you're gonna die tj, everyone's gonna remember this day as the biggest fuck up of your whole life!" Quite the adventure so far... and it's only about 7:30am

     BUT - good things come to those who wait thank God because eventually I realized that some people were wearing Halloween oriented scrubs, others were handing out candy and stickers, etc. Residents began to dress up once they were ready for the day, and shortly after 10 am TJ began to feel something like his old self again.

       By the end of the day there were actually a lot of people dressed up. We were having fun, I was getting a lot of compliments, I felt good, and actually placed 3rd in the contest for my costume. I was awarded with a gift card to dunkin donuts. A few hours of being out of my comfort zone for a good couple of caffeine buzzes? Overall I feel like it was well worth it. One of life's little social experiments...

       Later on that night I went out with my Son, Cale, but we didn't end up too far because he started to feel cold and his feet started to hurt. He is getting over a nasty bug so I understood where he was coming from. To save the night I offered to drive him around some of the "haunted" places on the old PAFB - Cale REALLY enjoyed that so I was happy to do it for him. By the end we were hungry and decided to cap the night off with a pizza. We talked about ghosts and witches and other scary things... Not too shabby.

       Many of you know me for being cool, calm, collected, mellow, even keeled, etc... Not much ever seems to bother me, and for the most part I enjoy things that way. So hopefully it will be a nice change to share something with you that actually did bother me, make me think some severe thoughts, and how I came out of it.

       Just as I was getting ready for bed I came down with a sudden and very intense hatred for my living situation, my family, my endeavors, my life in general. All at once I felt like my whole life was just a series of failed attempts at things, and that I would never ever get anywhere I wanted to be. I have a very low tolerance for people who get so wasted on drugs and alcohol that they can barely function properly /  or under go severe personality changes / or do selfish and stupid things - (for personal reasons I won't go further on that subject) but suffice it to say I was dealing with that in a variety of forms. On top of that I was tired, cold, worried about financial things, worried about having a functioning relationship with my son, worried that I don't know how to have a relationship with anyone, resigning myself to a 10x10 room, forever doomed to be a bottom bound loser.

       It hit me really hard and the thought of just driving away seemed really appealing at the moment. The feeling of pure escape felt so amazing. To just leave it all behind... I held on to that feeling as long as I could and eventually came to the conclusion that although I wouldn't be able to fix any of my circumstances right away, the mental feeling of liberation was quite nice. The feeling of - "hey... fuck it." Fuck it! right? What an amazing concept - It felt really good... Now, I've said fuck it before but never have been quite so walked through the appropriate context.
   
       I was feeling REALLY shitty. I mean just awful. Like out of the ordinary awful - but then it was followed by a feeling of pure joy and even a type of selfish awareness like I stumbled across a secret. fuck it - as in just letting it all be. Surrendering all the crappy stuff, letting it go and realizing life goes on. I still have control and my CIRCUMSTANCES aren't ME. Like I said before, it was very liberating.

       As I'm writing this, looking back. I think this was just a case of bad day / bad energy or something along those lines. Feeling low and self loathing is something I'm sure a lot of people do on occasion. But in conclusion, I would like to say that something kind of interesting happened. I don't particularly enjoy bad things when they occur, but I do find it necessary to REALLY appreciate the good things that life has to offer. Consider it to be a lesson in letting go / self forgiveness / the art of allowing.

     We should all say fuck it once in while.


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....... Last time I said I would talk a little bit about "Bro fever" and how that happens when you start going to the gym. I'm not sure if there is such a thing as "Bro fever" - but personally, I find myself getting more and more into the lifestyle of actively taking measures to improve my physical health. I find myself getting excited about going there, getting involved, feeling good afterwards, knowing physical results will come. I'm spending more time looking at gym stuff on line, getting tips and tricks, reading up on supplements and eating techniques. Embracing soreness haha

       I'm going on my second week of membership, and so far so good. I feel that initial nervousness is subsiding. I know everyone there at this point and feel like I'm among friends. Workouts are starting to sink in, I'm learning new moves, proper form, and getting into the flow of the class. My work schedule seems to allow for it as well which is nice.

       Touching back to an important topic (and to get a little metaphysical) - Stress / feelings of self hatred / feeling that life sucks, etc... the gym is like a cure for all that. It's interesting and now that I think about it - I feel that maybe getting involved with powerhouse is metaphysically similar to taking my life and slamming it down on a table, much like you would do with a pack of cards / cigarettes to straighten them out. Or if you're into fish tanks, rocking it back and forth violently to get all the gravel even on the bottom.

       Really intense feelings come from out of nowhere, I feel different at work, I feel different at home. Maybe it's all part of the process of starting something that's life changing and having to ride out the ripples that flow through you current life. (By this notion, the moment of negative self realization I had on halloween was just part of things settling - the gravel evening out.) Like I said before - Physical changes are felt very powerfully in the realm we're living in. They should be looked at seriously.

       To get back on track.... YES  - gym / "bro" / health fever - it's contagious. It's a good thing and a wild ride to boot. More updates to come - In the mean time I think you should hit up powerhouse gym. If you wanna start diggin' deep, looking good and feeling good you should get involved with RAW feat. Jenn Thume ; ))

       and watch this guy for some broscience in the mean time:

                                                "50% fact 50% magic 100% results"  (lol)   

    

     





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....... OK - Meditation - This is probably going to be a little lengthy so bare with me. You will get good information I promise. Meditation is crucial for becoming more in tune with the world around you. Meditation enables you to bridge the gap between the physical and non-physical. Meditation is stress relieving. Meditation allows you to turn your attention inward, make realizations about things, become more familiar with your personal truths, make you a calmer person, help you become more understanding - and the PHYSICAL health benefits are astounding. No pill you could take in the world is more natural, effective and less side effexy than plain old meditation.

       In terms of Occultism, it's not only effective, but actually quite necessary to meditate on a regular basis. If we want to start penetrating to the deeper levels of existence and get more in synch with the world around us we need to take some time and actually invest in this process. It doesn't have to be MUCH time - but it does have to be HONEST time. 15-20 minutes a day is just fine. It's always been my opinion that it's better to be consistent. doing 15-20 minutes EVERY day will give much better results than doing it for an hour ONCE during the entire week. Life moves at a very high speed and meditating in short bursts daily will have a broader impact.

       So what do I mean when I talk about meditation? I'm talking about the active turning inward of your focus / attention. When you meditate you sort of forget about the outside world for a little bit and focus your attention inward. You become more aware of what's going on in the inside. You become more aware of your feelings, thoughts, worries, concerns, etc... you can figure things out and get to the root of issues you're dealing with. You can place your attention on certain situations / matters and come to a better relationship with them.(Once you start doing this regularly, you can begin to understand what makes you tick, you become more aware of what truly makes you feel good, and also what seems to bother you.) Ultimately meditation (in my opinion) teaches us that we are in control of our attention, but furthermore, wherever we place our attention becomes our reality. Have you ever heard "A man is what he thinks about all day long." ? or "I think, therefore I am"? - you start to feel me on this?

       There are as many ways to meditate as there are people on the earth. - That's an old joke. It's true though. Every person is totally unique and individual - and our paths to enlightenment are our own. Kind of like Frodo in lord of the rings - He's got to do it on his own. So do we. There are some basic correlating things that can assist you along the way though. This next few lines will explain "HOW" to meditate -

       You should aim for a time you're not likely to be disturbed. Late evening before you go to bed is ok. Right after you get home from work is good too. Some people prefer right after they wake up in the morning. Ideally you want to be alone and unbothered. Whatever works for your schedule. Make time work for you.

       You also want silence! Don't try to meditate when the kids are running all over, when you've got 15 minutes to be to work, when you're expecting an important call in half an hour. You want to be totally at peace and able to be on your own for a good 15-20 minutes.

       Where should you meditate? Some say the bathroom is the most "psychic" / "calm" place in our homes, but I've never felt it to be a proper place to meditate myself. I prefer a living room chair, or the side of my bed. You want to make sure you won't get too cold either. After a few minutes of just being, the body tends to cool off and it's helpful to have a blanket or be already wearing full clothing. You can dress up the space with candles, incense, pictures of relatives, statues and whatnot - anything that will help to switch that portion of your mind on is helpful. You want to be physically comfortable. Make sure you're sitting in a nice chair, padded mattress, comfortable carpeted floor, etc. You're trying to get the physical body comfortable so it's happy while you're going deeper into yourself and the world around you. ....So pick a good place, that's quiet, during a part of the day when you have some time. If you can't find time - MAKE time. So ok, you're comfortable and ready to meditate - now what?

       Some people like to listen to a guided meditation CD, or some new age type soothing music - This is fine. It depends on your personal taste. This is ALL about YOU - so trust your instincts. An actual guided CD can help because it brings you right through, you get to experience the feeling, and generally it does the trick. Soothing music is fine too, because it helps your mind switch to a lower frequency and achieve that meditative state. I myself have always preferred silence. Just plain old silence. I might listen to some soothing music beforehand to get me in the mood - but I have always believed that silence gives the truest and most solid connection with one's self. (and oddly enough, you'll notice our world is rarely ever truly "silent")

       If you decide on listening to a guided meditation CD you're in for a journey because there are hundreds of them, all different ideas and ways of bringing you to your center. Some help to connect you with the earth, others connect you to spirit guides or help you remember past lives...There are so many that I can't speak much further on that. Just know - if you're listening to a guided CD you're under the influence of that CD and that idea / concept. If, however, you're on your own and going solo; meditation might look like something as follows:

      You can close your eyes to start. Take a few deep breathes and allow your physical body to begin to relax. You're looking to slow down your breathing and hit a rhythm like you would if you're falling asleep. You're not falling asleep though. You're actively slowing down your body so you can go deep and become more aware of your thoughts and feelings. At first it's going to seem a bit hard, like you can't "not" think about something - and this is normal. You'll start thinking of things that worry you, things that are nagging you, things that stick out in your life - If this happens just acknowledge the thought, give it a meaning and purpose, let it go, and come back to your breathing / meditation.

      Breathe in and out for a few minutes... easily, effortlessly, without judgment, with Universal rhythm. Eventually you'll find your "sweet spot" and you can breathe in and out perfectly without even feeling it. During this deep phase things will come to the surface. You'll begin to feel stronger emotions toward certain situations. You can sort through all the rubble and garbage you carry with you day to day. You're becoming more familiar with yourself and what your personal truths are.

      Breathe in for a few more minutes - or as long as you like really. Take this time to be completely on your own - completely free. take this time and just be. Simply be. Set your energy to the frequency of life on this earth. This great big earth.

      When you're ready and feel you've had a good session - you can begin to actively, slowly tell your attention to come back to your PHYSICAL body and your PHYSICAL surroundings. Wiggle your fingers, open your eyes, look around, and let yourself come back to HERE and NOW.

      Chances are you will feel much different. End by choosing to feel a sensation of gratitude that you are now THAT much more knowledgeable of yourself, your thoughts and feelings. Keep in mind this is a trip you can take over and over again.

       For many of us at first it will seem like this is something we don't want to do, something that's useless, or just a pain in the ass. This is because not many of us ever do this and we just aren't used to it! You need to go through the process of building up momentum... I can't stress this enough. It's supposed to feel uncomfortable / weird at first... but soon it becomes something you look forward to. Eventually after you build up some momentum, it grows. Your sessions become better and it will start to show up in your waking day to day life.

      You become conscious of the deeper issues going on, you realize you have control, you resonate to the things and places you belong to. Life becomes more fun, you notice "coincidences" all the time, you feel more fulfilled, you feel like you're playing a bigger part. You're truly on a real adventure. The adventure of your life!

      So look at you - You've penetrated into one of the secrets of the Universe, and you've taken the first steps on your path to enlightenment. If you feel like giving this a try, I promise you won't regret it. Like anything else, the more you put into it, the more you get back. One final note - Not all of us are going to be Picassos, or Jimmy Pages, or Buddhist Monks, but that doesn't mean we can't ENJOY the activity we like, and it doesn't mean we won't see results in our own lives. I wish you the best of luck as you start meditating.

      Next time for my metaphysical discussion I'll talk about how we as humans interact with the world around us. I'll probably touch on the energy centers in our bodies and the relationship between "us" and "the outside world" - stay tuned my truly amazing and super cool friends...............................

      
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Thanks for reading - Questions, comments, concerns appreciated!


   

  

Powerhouse Gym / First Occultism Entry! / Don't forget...

....... So I recently got a membership to a local gym called "Powerhouse" in Plattsburgh, NY. I ended up taking one of the classes they offer regularly, got to check the place out, meet some people, work out, and ultimately have a pretty sweet experience. To anyone reading this now, I would say that Powerhouse seems to be one of the cooler gyms in the area. From signing up, to the actual workout, and all the bits and pieces in between, Powerhouse has been a new and exciting endeavor in my life. So read this and learn what it's like from a beginner's perspective:

       I decided to go with Powerhouse mostly because a friend of mine from work goes there and always had good things to say about it. Also the gym is really close to where I live, which is a big plus for me. Personally I hadn't done anything really active in a about a couple months due to a fractured elbow, so I was understandably ready to get back into some form of action. It's also coming into the colder season here so a gym membership seemed like a good idea to get back into an active lifestyle without having to brave the crappy weather. Ultimately I headed down to Powerhouse a few days ago to see the place and talk to someone about getting a membership.

       Parking was fine, the building is easily accessible and the general flow is very easy to understand. I found myself inside looking around. Only a few people were there to work out at the time (it was mid morning). One woman in front of me had a tray of nutritional (homemade it looked like) baked goods she appeared to be delivering to sell. While she conducted business with the woman behind the counter I took a look around. Various cardio machines, TV's positioned on the wall, nutritional supplements, clothing of all sorts, various flyers and post-ups caught my eye. Beyond my line of sight was another section of the gym in which a few more people appeared to be using. After taking my turn with the woman at the desk I ended up with a Monthly membership. - Pricing, I might add, is quite reasonable and there are some good deals to be had. If you have a group, if you're a senior, a college kid, etc. you can get a discount. My first actual workout experience, however, was later on that night  - at a regularly scheduled class the gym offers.

       I met my friend from work at the gym, she showed me around, and introduced me to some of the fellow class takers. We looked at some of the new equipment they have set up and waited for some more class people to show up. Shortly after everyone was gathered, the woman who runs the class showed up and got to work preparing what we would be doing that night. Everyone was very nice and welcoming toward me which I found to be very grounding. Everyone seemed to be more or less around the same age group as well, which was reassuring, fun and cool. After some brief introductions we began to exercise.

       I'm getting over a fractured elbow so some of the moves I couldn't really do. I was, however, able to get a good work out in with the help of the instructor. Overall I would have to say the workout itself is very good. Your limits are definitely pushed, but you don't ever feel incapable, left out or driven to the point where you start to feel negative. Very balanced and progression oriented, you're timed and watched. When you need help, help is offered. Music is played and that's always a plus in my book. And by the end of the class you become a pile of sweaty jello - but in a good way! Not once did I feel I was pressured into anything or made to be feel left out or anything like that. Advice is freely given, everything is really motivational, you get to learn proper form, and you're motivated to strive for your personal best. Basically everything you could WANT in a place like that is available. It's actually pretty fun and you definitely feel included... and not to mention if you're a heterosexual male - the company is quite lovely. In short - I got pretty hooked.

       As far as "my personal" experience goes, here it is:

     I felt pretty much at ease just being in the facility, but was definitely a little nervous when it came to the performance part. Meeting new people, doing new exercises, not knowing the flow of the class, etc was a little nerve-racking. Looking back on all this, though, I feel as if that sort of thing is probably quite normal for newbies. I can absolutely tell you though, as I'm writing this, I feel a renewed sense of self and there is truly an almost addictive quality in all this. You start to see all the possibilities, realize you've come this far, envision how great it would be to achieve your goals and you end up feeling like, "hell yeah! I'm doin' this, I'm goin' for it, things are coming true, I'm the fuckin' master of my destiny!" - lol sorry to get a little overboard. but yes - I've come to realize that physical changes make a WORLD of difference - and take it from me - I've only been around that place for a few hours or so at the most and I already feel a shift in my reality. I urge anyone at all to go for this kind of thing. On an esoteric level, we live in a reality where physical changes are felt just about immediately, and you WILL feel a difference I'm telling you. You CAN NOT go wrong by testing yourself and striving to become a better physical version of yourself. The group is made to feed off each other and motivate one another ...also - I did get quite sore. More sore than ever working out alone.. but with this also comes a very much enjoyable knowledge that if I keep this kind of thing habitual, change will come. Things will always be new and amazing. From an Occult perspective, I've always been told that it's a good thing to keep your physical body in check, treat it nicely, become friends with it, and you will reap the rewards. And now I'm starting to honestly believe that. Very Cool. \m/ - Next time I want to talk a little about getting involved at a gym and coming down with Bro fever. Stay tuned..............................................................................................................................................




.......So - Ladies and Gents, this marks the first time I'm writing a passage that's more or less directed toward my main activity of study / interest. This being "Occultism." My aim for the future is to clean things up a bit and bring my readers to a more focused point of interest. Before now most of my entries have been just thoughts, things I've found to be funny or noteworthy, and basically an online journal of sorts. Not to fret, I will maintain some fun ideas, opinions, as well as make sure to update you all with details from my personal life. Cause hey, that's just fun... However, in the meantime let me take a moment and give you a first "real" entry on an honest to God "topic." Allow me to talk about something I feel I know a significant amount about: Occultism

       So when a lot of people hear about Occultism they tend to get these images in their heads about things like Jim Jones, drinking the coolaid, the hail bop people, Charles Manson, and this whole idea of mind control. Being forced into believing something totally and utterly against their will, to some evil and horrible end.  How horrible... but take it from me -"Occultism" has nothing to do with "Cults" - we live in a society that often blends the two ideas though and I think this is where a lot of the apprehension / scare factor comes from.

     Occultism in it's truest sense - as some of you might already know - simply means - "hidden" knowledge. No more, no less. Some of my healthcare friends have certainly heard of "occult" blood... this just means blood that is "hidden" or unidentifiable by most methods... Occultism is a branch of knowledge that deals in the hidden / subtle / not actively thought about nature of things. Occultism in practice, on its own - deals with the true nature of reality and the Universe, and has always seemed less religious and more scientific than anything (from what I've experienced).

    There are principals in place in Occultism, there are methods of achieving results, there are systems in order. For those of you who are mathematically minded - this is not just airie fearie fluff some crazy new agers conjured up. This is essentially the culmination of the efforts of centuries of study of the true nature of things as we know it. Passed down for hundreds of years. This brings us to the next logical obstacle- and one many people will never get over...

     "What's so high and mighty about 'Occultism' / hidden knowledge??" What on earth would make it appealing or useful? What makes it any "better" than anyone else's beliefs? This is a tough one to get around because each individual is on his or hers own life trajectory, and what we are doing here in this time and space is differentiated between each individual .... Hence one of the reasons for the definition of esoteric - "for the few"... Not only do you truly have to be "open minded" to grasp this kind of stuff, but it must also correlate to your own personal Karma. Furthermore - It's my personal belief that although at one point learning about this stuff was dangerous in society - It's also just stuff the normal day to day person doesn't think about.

     That being said, for those of you who wish to continue reading, please do so - for those who do not, I wish you the best in finding your own personal path to God / Source energy. To my dear, interested people, I will give you the best idea I can (based on my own experience and knowledge) of what Occultism is and how it can benefit you.

     Occultism as I've come to understand through years of solitary and group study is essentially the active learning and application of the hidden forces of nature. An approach toward the hidden aspects of our reality as we currently know it. Going based on what we have right here / right now, the way things are right in front of us, in order to raise our awareness and enjoy a more fulfilling life.

     Penetrating into the deeper aspects of the our human experience and as it relates to the cosmos, we start to make very amazing realizations. We start to understand some of the patterns, and we start to say "wow.." Once one starts understanding more and more of their own personal truths, they'll start having more confirmations into the overall structure of how things are,  and eventually find their lives begins to FLOURISH. A major lightening thought moment sets in and the difference between the things that truly matter in this world, and what can just be left at the wayside is actively realized.

     In essence you start to become more effective, more powerful, more fulfilled, more sensitive, and more understanding of the world around you. Things will start to have a deeper meaning, life becomes purposeful, you begin to play with the surroundings you find yourself in.

     What's going on is that you're actively and purposefully pulling down "God" into your earthly reality, while actively and purposefully raising your own awareness into the vibration of "holiness" (WHOLE-iness) - you become a bigger piece in the cosmic puzzle. A searcher, a receiver, and spreader - of the highest forms of truth, love, and awareness.

     I realize this might be a tough pill to swallow for some of you... It's hard to go along with the idea that things are already set up the way they're supposed to be.. Especially with all the hurt and pain in this world, (and especially if you've been beaten over the head with organized religion.) Also it's hard to convince yourself that there is any deeper meaning to life when you've lived so many years without needing to think about it.

     On a personal note - If this helps, I myself can clearly remember a long time ago before I started "seeking" - when I just accepted my lot in life, was happy to go along with things, however they may be. I had a little bit of religion when I was very young, but soon enough it faded away (which I suspect is quite common for most people now a days) - I had nothing really to go by, and no real reason to. I remember thinking about things like magic(k), astrology, dream work, angels, etc. and shrugging it off as mumbo jumbo, or just something silly for entertainment. So, my very cool readers, I know both sides of the coin. As I grew older, however, things changed my outlook and I soon realized it was worth delving into the unseen.

     One more thing - KEEP IN MIND - I'm not trying to PUSH anything on to anyone or try to say MY beliefs are better, or that YOU have it wrong... This is all simply an explanation of something that I've found to work and be useful in life. I just happen to believe in it so much that I want to at least put some of these ideas out there and give other people the chance to decide for themselves. I'm telling the truth when I say it sincerely changed my life.

     In conclusion, I wish to push a few important points across to my wonderful readers: First of all Occultism is not necessarily a BAD thing. Essentially it works depending on the operator (like just about everything else in this world) - We get what we put in to it. Secondly, not everyone is able to accept these ideas - and that's not a bad thing either. There are many paths to source, and for those of you who resonate to these ideas and think you might have found something, kudos to you. I can promise you, you're in for a truly special treat. There is nothing in this world quite as unique, amazing, powerful, and awe inspiring as having a working, contemporary, breathing relationship with the universe. For those of you who think I'm a wack job - reading something else would probably be a good idea. These ideas are not for you, and you're place is probably somewhere else. Lastly, I will do my best to continue writing information from my own life and experience, in effort to spark the divine search in others. As honestly and from the heart as I can.


     Now that you have a little background on what I'm talking about, next time I will discuss the whole conept of MEDITATION, how it relates to occultism, and why it is an important and valuable endeavor if you wish to embark on this path..............................................................




....... The following is my PERSONAL OPINION:

        Don't forget - County legislature election day is coming up on NOV 3rd. My man Chris Rosenquest has to get locked in. Big up to PAFB peeps, to anyone who remembers those days, and anyone who wants to bring some life back to this area. It's been a waste land for too long around here and we could use a nice injection of younger blood in office to act and get things done. Too many of our leaders seem to just be looking out for themselves. Old guys keeping themselves rich, fat and happy. Giving out the bare minimum and lacking organization, this area is SO not community oriented... "Narrow, unenlightened self interest does not impress me." Rosenquest is qualified, energetic, accessible, and looking out for the entire community. I urge any and all of my readers to vote for him on NOV 3rd. As I said in a previous post, I'm willing to carpool, pick you up, do whatever you need to count your vote in. Once again here's a link to his steeze:  https://www.facebook.com/ChrisforClintonCounty/?fref=ts and http://www.chrisforclintoncounty.com/  so you can get involved, donate, etc...

      Younger people need to take some more interest in what's happening in local politics, band together, and make some progressive changes. It's 2015 and it's about time people, c'mon! In closing I urge you to take a look at the candidates and at the very least go down to vote! Make your voice heard.

     It's so true what they say, "You gotta give it away to keep it." So here's to a brighter future for EVERYONE in this area. Rosenquest is a stepping stone in that direction - Rock on...............................................................................................................................................................


As ALWAYS - thanks for reading!

To my truly awesome and gifted followers  -

Happy Halloween!

 

 

 

     

      

    


        


    

My Thoughts on Suicide / My Experience with Internet Dating / Candidate Chris Rosenquest / Blog Update

     The first part of this blog is a little bit on the sad side... but I think it's important and should be talked about.

..... From time to time I'll occasionally hear of someone I knew, sort of knew, or at the very least acknowledged the existence of, that for some reason or another decided to actively cut their physical life short. More or less a reaction of shock runs though my body and mind upon hearing the news. I ask for as much detail as I can be afforded and then will reminisce on any sort of memorable interaction I've had with them. On the surface it seems quite tragic, hardly understood, and sometimes even cowardly. However, it remains an active part of our human experience and something that is on going. Most people have either been directly affected or at least known someone who has been affected by the act of suicide. This first blog entry concerns my feelings regarding suicide and what my thoughts are on the issue. By suicide I mean purposefully and knowledgably acting in a way that results in the end of your physical existence.
     I used to be scared to death of the idea of suicide, mostly because of the fear of the unknown... There is a ton of momentum and belief in the idea that if someone kills themselves they are automatically going to hell. I don't personally believe that, but I can see why many people do. More or less I figure it goes back to things like religion, whatever upbringing you had, and whatever beliefs you possess. As I get older and learn more about life and the Universe, I'm less and less concerned with the idea that anyone could incur any real danger / suffering simply because they took their own life. There is, in my opinion, a certain degree of sadness and regret I think these poor souls end up with though.
     So far life has shown me to be a very linear and seemingly automatic process - with many hills and valleys and many ups and downs. I don't believe that with all the amazing things going on in this World / Universe humans were only meant to come live one piddly lifetime only to blink out of existence forever. For me - there must be more to it - and if that is true that means there is existence happening outside the physical realm... and if THAT's TRUE then that must mean there is a point / reason for our physical existence - Which brings me to the point that if people act in a way that results in their checking out early, they may actually regret it later on in the afterlife.
     Once these people who kill themselves early realize that life keeps going, and that their existence had meaning (not just meaning but extremely powerful and amazing meaning) they might end up with a real sad regret on their hands. In essence: - Say life is forever - Stretch existence over the course of infinity. Up until this very moment I'm willing to bet most of us had done things we regret, feel bad about, or wish we could have changed, etc.. I feel suicide is basically the same kind of thing - Basically a sad, awful decision we make when we were in a bad part of our lives. Nothing more, nothing less.
     In closing - First I feel it's best to say that I don't believe these poor people who end their lives early are going to hell, or having to face eternity of purgatory, or having to come back as a dog poop, or anything silly like that. I do, however, believe that there should be a very real and active outreach to help these people here on the physical plane - Some people can't help it. I realize there is mental illness, addiction, moments of intense extreme passion... but I ALSO realize it's very possible to live through all of these things and come out to a better place in their lives. To those people who have been through it, I say - Please just try to relax... We're all heading the same direction and whatever way we get to where we're going isn't the point. We'll all meet up in time.
     A far loftier ideal to strive for, I would think, is that we should try to have the best journey / existence we can. For now and forever. We need to lift each other up in times of darkness. Appreciation and Validation for the ones we love and care about, as well as a realization that NOW is forever makes suicide completely unnecessary...................................................................



....... A little over a month ago I decided it might be cool to try out a dating website in effort to meet new and interesting people. Before then I hadn't heard too much about these kinds of sites except for the commercials on TV and the anecdotes of a few people I know personally. After having a full fledged experience with one I feel I can now offer some thoughts about this aspect of social interaction. This is my experience and input on internet dating:
     There are a lot of different options for people who want to try this sort of thing out. Big sites like e harmony and match seemed a little too main stream and serious for me. Although I found it reassuring that these big reputable sites have the largest date and marriage statistics, I also wasn't looking for anything quite that serious at the time. Other sites seem to be more based on what people might have in common - Christianmingle, blackpeoplemeet, pagandating, farmersonly, etc... Then there are ones that seem to just be about flirting and having a good time - zoosk, plentyoffish, etc.. After some careful consideration (and a few drinks to be honest) I decided to try cougarlife.com - a site where older women can hook up with younger men..(or a site where younger men can hook up with older women depending on how you look at it.)
     There is a certain amount of "ok am I really doing this?" I think we have to face when we decide to try online dating. There are a lot of aspects - creating a profile, trying to present yourself, trying not to sound creepy, but trying to plant a few seeds of attraction, etc... It's a whole different thing as opposed to going to the bar and just hooking up with someone.
     I decided on cougarlife for a couple of reasons.. First of all I figured my chances of meeting anyone I already knew was pretty low on that site. Secondly I figure most of the women on that site have kids, which is the level I am on. Thirdly I assume women who are older have a much broader perspective on relationships, they probably have experience and could even give me some fresh perspective on the whole relationship game ...YES I know what some of you are thinking, and I'll admit a fourth reason is that the idea of hooking up with someone significantly more established than me is wicked hot ... haven't u ever seen the Graduate?? and one last reason - most of the girls on that site AREN'T AFRAID of NSA (No Strings Attached) relationships if that's what they're going for. What can I say... Cougars pretty much got it down.
     So I made a profile. I tried to pick a username that would appeal (or attempt to appeal) to the sort of demographic I imagine actively looking for a younger guy who's looking to meet an older woman. I tried to be honest, but vague. I tried to come off as knowledgeable and open to life experience as I could. I threw in a few personal interests coupled with some "dirty fantasy" guff they ask you to describe.  I also wanted to seem light hearted about the whole thing because honestly, If you come off too serious in that kind of environment I think you look needy. I put up a recent picture of me - smiling and trying to look cool / funny, and the waiting game began...
     When you sign up you get an allowance of points and every message you send costs a certain amount - you can "gift" the recipient with an extra special something (like an icon of flowers, high heels, etc.) for some extra points.
     I threw out a few "hey I'm new at this" type messages to some women I thought I could talk to and get the hang of things with.. I threw out some "hey you seem really cool" types / added a spiffy icon (to show her she's worth more points?) to one or two I genuinely admired and could actually see myself being with... and last but not least, of course, a few "hey I'm super sleazy but I know everyone likes sex" types to some just to see if it could get me anywhere. My results were not as spectacular as I thought.
     Almost immediately my inbox started filling up with very generic type profiles all with basically the same message,
      "Hey newbie, I saw your profile and I have to say you're really cute. Click on my link and tell me what you think. c-u-t-e-n-f-o-x-I-x-x-x1-1-9@----- without the spaces ok?"  or
     "Hey! I'm Jessica! Click on my e-mail if you want to see my pics. Let me know what you think ok?.... blah blah e-mail address and obviously a robot..."
      Days later, after looking through dozens of profiles all seemingly located in Montreal, I came to the conclusion that things were a little fishy on this site. I started altering my e-mails:
     "Hey, I think you're really beautiful and you seem really cool! I'd love to hang out sometime. We have a lot in common and I think we could really hit it off : ) Let me know what you think. ..Sorry I have to ask but are you a real person? Please let me know if you're real." lol ... hardly the sort of thing I ever thought I'd have to verify, but just about necessary at this point.
     After a couple of weeks of being on the site I actually realized that some of the profile pictures were starting to become more and more familiar, as well as the messages they would send me. Profiles would be there one day, then "removed" the next.. all the while recycling pictures of god knows who and tailoring their robot profiles to seem more appealing to me...probably based on my internet searches or words I used when I created my own profile... To give you an idea - I would keep getting messages from some extremely hot, yet extremely generic MILF who's profile would read something like:
     "I'm looking for a man who is into expanding their consciousness and can see the big picture in life! I'm a single mom so I need someone stable, preferably with kids. I'm a little on the quiet side but once you get to know me I can't shut up and will most likely bore you to death with trivial knowledge. I'm looking for that someone who's a little off the beaten path, but has sincerity of heart and mind. Someone with clear goals and big dreams. I'm very traditional but for the right guy I'll do just about anything. You know what I mean ; )" - Woah.. Upon first inspection it's like Ummm where the hell have you been all my life?? I mean at that point I don't even really care if she is a robot... Sadly, however, after getting wise to the game that is being played, I decided enough was enough. I gave it a good college try and as much as I looked, there didn't seem to be any honest to goodness actual, real, human beings on that site.
     I'm not sure why they do that, maybe it's just a ploy to hype the site up and generate customers. In the end I decided not to re-enroll and my account will die on Oct 19th. If I have any stalkers out there - you still have a few days to see me on cougarlife. I won't give you my username though - you'll have to work for it if you really want to see it.
     So what have I learned?? Well - I suppose in the end, when it comes to matters of the heart and soul, you just can't "make" it happen. You gotta wait for it. It has to "happen to you." I've heard it many times, from many people of quality character that, "It usually happens when you least expect it." - Trying to make it happen was my mistake. I put myself out there, went in to it with the full intention of starting a new adventure with someone, and came to the sobering conclusion that sometimes your most pronounced action into a valuable endeavor can very easily turn into something unfulfilling.
     I DO, however, feel a very renewed sense of freedom. Not only freedom, but faith in the higher order of things. I feel that maybe - just maybe - Things weren't supposed to happen that way. Life and the Universe must have something different planned for me. Maybe that plan is something a lot better - and I look forward to that with a renewed sense of confidence in the Universe's ability to make (and not make) things happen. I came out unscathed this time...  but boy oh boy, what a trip that was....................................................................




....... I met the Clinton County Legislature Candidate Chris Rosenquest the other day. He actually came to my door while he was walking around my neighborhood giving people information about the election. I talked to him a little bit, he gave me a pamphlet, and I looked it over later on when I had time. Incidentally his opponent Mr. Tahey came by earlier while no one was home and left a pamphlet on my door. After looking over BOTH pamphlets and checking out their websites and whatnot I absolutely believe that Chris Rosenqneust needs to win this next election... Hands down this guy is who we need to help Clinton County get things back on track. I strongly urge all of my friends, enemies, readers, family members, basically anyone who's a registered voter to go out and MAKE their voice heard. We NEED to get this guy in office. Especially to all of my COUNTY friends / Co-workers : THIS guy is the guy who will help make a difference. Clinton County has been an over dried out floppy pancake for too long, run by old bureaucratic farts who don't give a shit about the common people, we need to end this cycle. We need younger blood in office. Rosenquest grew up during the PAFB times and has a sincere desire to restore LIFE again to the county. I talked to him and believe me, from a personal standpoint if I didn't care I wouldn't be writing this right now. If I didn't think he had anything to offer I wouldn't be giving shit one. He does though. He is the key to bringing something new to our lives. This is a SERIOUS issue people, believe me when I say this. Not to get all political or whatever on you but if we want change - NOW is the time to do it and no one else is going to do it for us. Did you know that only 23% of people 18-35 voted in the last election!?! If we get enough of us together we can do some serious damage! For every day you wish things could change, for every time you look around and say this place is sad and just a dead end road, for every time you wish you could live somewhere the action is - just realize that Election Day is on Nov 1st - and we need to rock out. Sincerely - I mean physically go down to the voting booth and say THIS is who I want in office. Rosenquest is someone who deserves the chance to change things. If you don't believe me look into it yourself and I promise you'll end up feeling the same way. I will drive you if you want. I will carpool, I will do just about anything to help bring some hustle back to this County again. In the mean time here is the website where you can volunteer and donate: www.chrisforclintoncounty.com     - I urge you all to get involved, take a stand and embrace the area that is rightfully ours!!   Here is his FB too:        https://www.facebook.com/ChrisforClintonCounty?fref=ts  He is a very cool guy. He's very accessible and willing to talk about the issues we're facing.
      If you're absolutely unable to get involved and make your voice heard - at least do me this favor: Close your eyes every once in a while - when you can - when you have time... just before you're going to sleep at night. Take a few deep breaths and begin to envision Plattsburgh and Clinton County as a rocking and rolling place where business is booming, people are working, kids are partying, money is available, jobs are available, there's always something to do, people are always out, there's something for everyone, everyone you know is happy, County jobs are AMAZING and FUN and SECURE... You can wake up every morning and say YES.. my fuckin' town rocks. I'm proud to be from here and when I look towards the future I can feel good, I know it will never die  - And then associate all of that with the name Chris Rosenquest.. Imagine his name up there - In big letters - imagine people thanking him and giving him high fives and fist pounds. He smiles and takes the podium - For a new town, for a new era. It's certainly about time...............................................................................................................................   




....... Last but not least I would like to let my readers know that I will soon begin to point my thoughts and energy into a more focused point of attraction when it comes to my entries / journals. My "forte", if you will lies primarily in Occult Science and Esoteric studies. From this point on I will make sure that at least one entry out of every blog I write is having to do with such information. I feel now is a good time for this because my higher self is okay with a slow transitioning, I'm not at a point yet where I could realistically piss anyone off energetically, the information is rad and worth reading, and I've built up a small circle of people who are interested in what I have to say / know me by now. Please note that by Occult and Esoteric I mean the following: Theory about the nature of Reality / Universe / Qabalah / Psychic Powers / Astrology / Astral Projection / Meditation / Chakras / On Being a Sensitive / Spell Casting and Reality Shifting / .... and things of that nature. I don't claim to be an expert, but I do claim to speak from someone who has devoted a lot of time and practice into these sorts of things.
     In conclusion I wish to say I hope I have provided some entertainment and maybe even a few laughs thus far. I hope my current readers have gotten to know me a little and understand what kind of person I am. From here on out at least 1/3rd of my writing will be based on the supernatural and Occult. I wish you all the best. Keep reading and I look forward to writing you all in the future!................................................


Much abundance - Love you all!

       

My fractured elbow, truths in relationships, people don't know who I am, bonus passage.

...........This blog is going to be a bit slow - I'm doing it mostly one handed. For those of you who may not know, I recently fractured my elbow skateboarding. There are a couple things I've wanted to get across during my experience. Firstly -- An update on logistics, how I'm feeling, etc.. Secondly - the fact that my intentions with skateboarding are pure, and in fact (although not currently believable) healthy.
     I fractured my elbow and after a visit to the ER, some on the spot time off from work, and a visit with the orthopedic surgeon it's come to my attention that I will be just fine. I suffered a minor, non-displaced fracture, that will take about 10-15 days of cast wearing and maybe a couple weeks of brace wearing. Back to work soon hopefully. I've never been one to drag pity around so with any luck, all opinion aside - my gut tells me I'll be ok to perform basic job functions by the 18th or so. I also wish to thank any work related personnel who might be reading this for your patience and well wishes. Please be assured - I like my job and will do my part to make things as smooth as possible.
     Skateboarding has been a big part of my life since I was about 14 or so and in a manner of speaking never really left me. It wasn't until the collision of my son getting into it and the search to rekindle inner freedom that I actually got hurt. Drag. Anyway I got my own skateboard so I could help my son get better / do something healthy and awesome again. I fractured my elbow during a trick I recently got back, on the half pipe incidentally trying to show my son how easy it was. Rock to fakie -  I actually got off the coping and was coming down, suddenly it all went haywire, lost my balance, landed on the palms of my hands arms outstretched. I knew something was off when I watched my forearm swell up so quickly. Fractured my right radial head and as I came to find out later also sprained my left wrist. I know this comes across as something stupid, willy nilly, and reckless... but I promise you in reality it was a pivotal moment in the existence of t j miller. I have learned and experienced much since the incident.
     This is my son after he learned to drop in - I didn't learn to drop in till I was 17 or so.. We didn't get my slam on footage unfortunately.

............. Fuckin' relationships man. Will there ever be a perfect one? A person to share the perfect time and place with.. A realistic end to the search for your other half... ?? Why would God make people so necessary to go together yet so hard to actually attain? I've been on this earth and dealing with "romantic" relationships for the last 12 years... Ins and outs.. good times and bad. I don't think anyone ever truly escapes it. Were all humans, so in essence we're all capable of fucking things up. The only thing I've come do discover that remains "true" is how we personally feel about the other person in a given moment. Sex, in -home relationships, gifts, promises, looks, long distance, how you compose yourself, what you say, etc... is all more or less secondary and nothing more than physical. (not that they don't have their place)... The stuff that truly matters is, in my eyes, what you feel inside, what you're agreeable to, and what you're willing to put up with. That's why there's so much drama that comes as a byproduct in relationships. lol You never know exactly what you're going to do in any situation... and it looks crazy to on lookers. I feel it depends on your past experience, what you're willing to do in that given moment, and what you're willing to put up with in the future...
     If you're lucky enough to find someone who loves you like crazy, no matter what you do, no matter what the circumstances.. that in my opinion is worth looking into. That is rare! I also believe truly - in anyone's lifetime there's only that chance with 2 maybe 3 people at most to really make it work and have it be rad. People should stop and at least ask themselves if their significant other makes that cut. Like so many other things in this world where you stand depends on where you sit... my advice is try to enjoy the ride. Try to find something good in your relationship, be at peace with your exes, if you're not comfortable feeling a spiritual / mental connection with your partner you wont be able to feel a very decent physical one. Natural law people - hope this rant is entertaining................


............... I have had a problem for quite some time now concerning how people think they know me... I have a "familiar" face, as well as a brother that looks a lot like me. This can be very confusing to people... especially it seems with fast food workers and convenience store clerks:

"Hey man, you lost a ton of weight - do you still talk to Alice?" ... sorry I don't know who Alice is... and I've never seen you before either. but thanks for the compliment.
"Oh my god there's a kid who comes in here who looks exactly like you, buys the same energy drink and everything.."  That's probably my brother. but then again it might be me...
"Allan! omg hows it going?? You still a cook?" That's definitely my brother - i'll tell him you said hello.
"I most certainly know you from somewhere.." Oh yeah? .... usually the end of the conversation.
"I've seen you before, you seem like an actor u know? Like life is a big stage to you! You're cute - here's my number - but you have to call me ok?" - honestly a real occurrence I've never told anyone about.. and sadly declined because I was with my son's mother at the time. A one in about 9 hundred million occurrence that I'll never know the outcome of because I'm a faithful boyfriend. <3
"Hey you're tj miller? you're a fuckin' idiot - you look like a bird and you're a major poser." - thanks dude.
"Are you Travis? ...From 3rd year Anthro?" - Sorry but I'm not you're handsome and funny friend Travis..
"So tj, how's your daughter doing?" - umm I don't have a daughter, your probly thinkin of my brother..
"So tj, hows your foot doing?" - once again you're probly thinking of my brother, and its not his foot it's his hip...

... sometimes I just let people think I'm whoever they think I am for arguments sake... :

"I thought I recognized that face! Are you going to kayla's 29th?" - nah I cant make it I have to work..

"You know Michelle quit her job cause you were bossing her around so much." ... Well she deserved it.. She always took everything so personally.

"Allan ! you still at perkins?" - nahh.. after I slept with like 10 waitresses and once they started catching on to my problem with ketamine they finally let me go..  j/k bro lol <3


It is what it is... Joking aside - I've had a lot of fun with this phenomena .. and the people who are really worth it never forget who you are. <3...............


BONUS !!


- I'm looking for someone or someone(s) who would like to help me write (and possibly edit?) some cool stuff. Possibly start up a DIY kinda thing - Local Zine - the sky is the limit. Topics of interest include Healthcare, Alternative Music, Lifestyle, Occultism of course! / Spirituality, Supernatural (Halloween is coming up), Food and Drink, Geriatrics, Nursing, Skateboarding, Life, Love, The Human Condition... Transportation, Movies, and anything else you can think of! Target audience = the type of people you want to attract in your life. -

Thanks and Keep reading!

 

 



    







      

Mind altering substances, writing excercise on my new air conditioner, Kmart Sucks...

............. There seems to be an on going issue with very many young people regarding Drugs and Alcohol. It's been an on and off epidemic in the news and in many of our own lives as well. Year after year oddly enough it seems to be getting worse and worse, yet better and better. (ie drug related crime increasing in a lot of areas, yet an increasingly open mindedness to the benefits of marijuana)... This is truly a controversial topic - BUT... After some careful consideration I decided to write down my own thoughts on the subject. Strap in guys. Buy the ticket - take the ride. This is TJ writes it down: Mind Altering Substances.
     Before anyone gets too excited please know that first and foremost I'm writing this solely out of personal opinion. I speak from the point of view of the late 20s - early 30s type, working middle class, news watching, personal life having person. I also will be speaking from the point of view of someone who's had some years of experience working in the Medical field - Pharmacy and Nursing to be exact. I will also briefly speak from the practicing Occultist's point of view - as there are some good thoughts to consider on that avenue.
     I would say first of all when talking about mind altering substances - I'm talking about a substance you put into your body and feel an effect from. There all kinds of mind altering substances out there ranging from relatively harmless to full on life changing. People who take drugs generally fall into two categories - people who are taking them for medically, and people who are taking them to illicit a desired pleasurable effect, or for "recreational" purposes. The Current system in the U.S. divides drugs into schedules. I'm a little rusty on this but I believe it's 1-5 ... 1 being the most dangerous, highest potential for abuse, and NO medical benefits. 5 being the least harmless, least habit forming, generally widely accepted medical use. If you look at that information alone, just in and of itself it tells you that there are drugs that are very addicting / dangerous and drugs that are more or less ok to take... The big question in my opinion for a lot of young people is (since the medical system of using drugs appropriately is already quite established) whether or not they should have a relationship with substances RECRETIONALLY...  
     My thoughts on that subject is to learn to "know thyself"  - This means (in my opinion) you are the best person to judge your own body, what it can handle, what it can't, and what it "sometimes" can. Genetics, current societal morals, you're Grandma's opinion of things, your Doctor's recommendations, etc. I believe all become secondary to what you feel and know in your heart and soul.
     That's not to say what we do doesn't have consequences... If you decide to drink your life away every night and wake up one day with nothing to show for it - A rational human would probably think it's time to re-evaluate you position on things. If you go against your Doctor's orders and stop shooting insulin daily, eat garbage day in day out and end up losing a limb, again any rational human being would say," well that figures"... Keep in mind, however, that feelings are funny things... One weekend of hard drinking and doing something stupid is enough to make someone SERIOUSLY CONSIDER a lasting change of life habits... for a little while at least, but come next Friday when you're healthy, functioning again, and tired of a long work week the second your friend calls you're out the door to get smashed. - You gotta know thyself. Know how much is too much, know when to say this is not me, know your values.
       When does occasional fun on the weekends become a "problem"? ... Again in my opinion this is very tricky... but generally according to society we live in (and incidentally the path of least resistance to being acceptable) - if it's starting to interfere with your professional life, If you're friends or family have suggested that you might have a problem, or to put it more directly - if you yourself ever thought you might have a problem with it.... your life could most likely use some improvement. The important thing to remember in this case is that help is VERY available. Good non-judgmental, medically professional, real deal help Is more or less a phone call away. I also think at some point our souls will intervene and let us know when something is going very wrong. You'll know when you need help.
     One thing to consider is that not all drugs are created equal... Coffee once a day in the morning is American. Double bagging Heroin three times a day is a very serious issue. Smoking cigarettes is a dying but more or less socially acceptable occurrence. Waking up in the morning and hitting the crack pipe is quite evidently plunging into the depths of problem city. Generally speaking - knowledge is power. Know what you're dealing with. It doesn't hurt to do research, get the facts. If you're going to be messing with your body it pays to do your homework.
     When all is said and done - Is it even worth it? Considering the legal ramifications, the potential for death or injury, all the social issues that can crop up, possibly embarrassing yourself, hurting your family, and all the other risks you're taking... As weird as it sounds personally I would absolutely say that in some instances - yes - drugs are worth the life experience and the knowledge you gain from it. On the other hand... If you're the type that frowns upon drugs and you follow the morals and ethics we've as a society established - you're probably better off not doing them.
     Again - KNOW YOUR BODY and KNOW YOUR SUBSTANCES - Speaking as a medical professional and also as someone who has had my personal life effected from it -  There is a very real threat of becoming addicted to substances. Addiction is worse than anything. Addiction is worse than trying something for the first time and having a sick weekend. Addiction is worse than drinking all night and doing something you regret. Addiction will ruin your life. Hands down... no joke, addiction will cut you off from anything beautiful and worth while. Addiction will throw you into a cycle where there is no more learning, no more growth, no more relationships, no more anything except your own selfish black hole. The truly sad thing about addiction is that very often addicts can't help themselves. They become something un- natural and once they've crossed into that lifestyle they carry it with them for life, and believe me it can steal years away from them. I've seen it time and time again whether it be from behind the Pharmacy counter, or on Nursing Clinical, and even in my own personal life  -  It happens, and it happens more than you think. People become dependent on something and then their brain NEEDS that substance. Thankfully we live in a time where addiction treatment is an actual medical aspect and there are ways to help get people out of that "downward spiral" as they say.
     My opinion is that once you become familiar with your own body as well as your own values it can become easier to develop a more or less tolerable relationship with the substances you have chosen to be in a relationship with. But buyer beware - Through natural laws of the Universe and Chemistry.. there are very few substances out there that anyone can have a real relationship with.... Caffeine and stuff like that seems to be acceptable, alcohol and marijuana even on occasion is becoming more and more acceptable, and of course drugs that you're on while under supervision of a medical professional (and your insurance company lol)...but aside from that it's pretty much zip to nill. There aren't many 60 year old smack addicts who only shoot up on the weekends... There aren't many people who only hit the crack pipe on special occasions - you feel me?
    Now speaking from the point of view of someone who is studying Occultism - Mind altering substances is mostly thought to be an absolute and total no-no...Unless you're prepared to face the consequences that will inevitably occur... This may be a little hard to wrap your mind around but it's just as simple as that. If you use drugs there are consequences to your health, mind and spirit. This is universal law, there's no getting around that. The human is a multi level being and all the levels are linked - when you do drugs they effect your physical being, but through chemistry they effect your mind, and through emotions they effect your soul. Using drugs to promote a pleasurable effect, open your mind to higher realms, become more in tune with the universe, etc... is certainly ok to do so - as long as you are totally and utterly OK with consequences such as social isolation, having NO money, or as Dion fortune puts it - and I'm paraphrasing... "going about life like a cheap clunking automobile." To be honest that doesn't sound all that great to me. Drug illimunism is often considered a selfish endeavor and generally grouped with acts of the "left hand path" - Which is absolutely just fine for some people... but doesn't sound too appealing to ME these days. This is just my humble opinion... Again - the real key is to know yourself and your values.
     One final thought - the course of time... I firmly believe that as we go along in life we begin to realize that there is no substance quite as amazing as our own free will, our own freedom to feel, to do, to love, to be loved. As we get older we become more and more preoccupied with things that last, things that give back, things that are rewarding. How many of us have parents that used to do drugs but then stopped or cut way back after they had kids, or after they got involved with a decent career, or found their true love. I also think that future generations are going to get more in tune with this concept at a much earlier age. I'd bet within the next few generations doing hard drugs drugs, smoking, drinking to excess, etc.. will be looked down upon and seen more or less as something that our caveman ancestors used to do.    



........................... My old Creative Writing teacher once told me, "To become a good writer you must... write." That really got through to me. "Get in the habit of writing something - Anything. Everyday. Pour your thoughts onto paper. Make it good, make it bad, expand your horizons." So without further adieu, here is some writing concerning my thoughts on a rather mundane subject. My Air conditioner:
     Sometimes I feel like the air conditioner is making things too cold. But then again I love coolness... I feel the cold air makes me sleep better at night.
      I'm betting it took many trials and tribulations to make what I consider to be a grand and wonderful invention. It MAKES the AIR around me COLDER. This is truly a feat beyond my personal capacity.
     The noise of an air conditioner does not bother me. I actually prefer it. It seems odd to consider - but pure silence overwhelms me. I'd rather have constant background noise as opposed to empty nothingness and in this case an air conditioner is just fine.
      I've certainly increased the length of time I REMAIN ASLEEP since getting the air conditioner. Before I got an air conditioner I would get up 3-4 times a night, but now I go to sleep once and wake up once.
     One image of air conditioners that seems to stand out for me is the image of a really big air conditioner. One that controls an entire hotel or building.... Another image that comes to mind is one I've seen in many movies, in many scenes - Someone is crawling through vents / ducts that seem to be related to air conditioning.
     I've seen air conditioners for sale at the store as well. You can probably buy them online also, but the feeling of taking something home the very same minute you purchase it is very rewarding... I think it's funny that some stores (more likely second hand stores) will tie little streamers to the vents of the air conditioners so while it's turned on they get blown around and dance for you.
     Buying during the "off" season I've heard is the best time to buy an air conditioner - or any other product for that matter that's designed specifically for use during the Season it's not currently in. There's a trick to this idea though... For example you can't wait until the middle of ice cold Winter to buy an air conditioner at any sort of significant discount... You need to buy it right at the start of Halloween or so when they have a shit load of them and need to make room for more seasonal things. I'm not sure if this is proof positive in terms of actual savings, but it FEELS like it is...



...................Lemme tell ya a little something about Kmart. I had what I feel to be probably the last straw experience for me at that place yesterday. No joke - I'm talking like never even thinking about that place again type experience. Allow me explain:
     I go out a lot with my son when I have him and we often buy toys and games and things - and every so often we will go to Kmart. Mostly we go to Kmart because it's the kind of place that rests in the back of my mind for weeks and weeks and occasionally I'll get the feeling like, "well maybe since we haven't been there in so long we'll get lucky and find something amazing"... NEVER. I've never found anything amazing at Kmart. Quite the contrary to be exact.
     For the third time in three consecutive trips I bought an electronic toy for my son, brought it home, opened it up, untied all the stupid pieces of plastic, had to find the scissors, had to find a small screwdriver, had to find batteries, put everything together and then... pow! nothing happens - another useless piece of shit that got damaged during shipment or unloading or God knows what... After cooling off from the total melt down I had I gathered everything all together... tied the little stupid pieces of plastic back onto the cardboard, nicely folded the instructions back up, made the whole thing look as unopened and nice as I possibly could and brought my unhappy son back to the store in hopes for a refund or exchange...
   To my surprise - Kmart's new awesome policy is that since I didn't have the receipt (I threw it out or it got lost somewhere) - I could only receive 30% of the item's total cost back on a gift card. So I could ultimately do what with? Spend it on some more cheap Kmart shit. Well Fuck-a-doodle-doo... I bought a floor mat and some cat food. ... But I will never go there again. Maybe to get little Ceasers but that's it.
         

Thanks for reading ; P

"All my friends and I, we own the night."

    






   

My thoughts on surgery, the bad bitch epidemic, wanting to move out...

 ...............So I recently had a tonsillectomy and boy oh boy what an amazingly intense experience. For those of you considering it or for those of you simply interested in how the ordeal was - I will explain:
     I have had issues with my Tonsils for some time now and finally after obtaining some decent health insurance I decided to bite the bullet and get the operation. I was told that after everything was said and done I should experience a "tremendous" amount of relief - as in no more feelings of irritation, no more snoring / airway issues, no more urge to clear my throat 300 times a day, etc... Truth be told the difference was felt immediately after the procedure, despite the pain. I am pleased overall with the decision and the outcome. This is the good news. The bad news is that it's true when they say tonsil surgery is much more painful when you are an adult. The pain is just about unbearable at times and the pain is very slippery... What I mean is the first 2-3 days consists of sharp post op - difficulty swallowing and tolerating any kind of oral nutrition - more or less controllable with slightly modified eating behavior. Days 4-7, however, essentially plateau into dull, excruciating, radiating, deep fiery pain, which is worse in the morning and at night. How bizarre. By day 7 I feel I am just about 95-100% of my old self again. All in all it's about a week of hell, followed by an intense rush of happiness and rapture at how your human body has overcome such a shock to its system. One thing that I feel is noteworthy is the idea of the human body experiencing a "shock" related to surgery - Although physical pain is certainly part of the process, what also comes with it is a feeling of being totally and utterly thrown off your body's "homeostasis." Tonsils are lymph nodes and it's easy enough to figure that once they are surgically removed the body freaks out a little and has to get it's bearings again. This occurrence is absolutely weird to say the least. A feeling of just about constant irritability cut with fearful uncertainty is what results... for about a week. As an Aries - the worst thing in the world to me is the feeling of helplessness / "hurry up and wait"ism, having to give things their due course, etc.. I feel like I'm missing out on life and experiences and I truly dislike that. Not to mention the surgery requires general anesthesia and I'm sure my body wasn't too cool about being chemically forced to go to sleep like that; even if "I" was ok with it. To sum it all up, the whole ordeal is gross and quite painful... but well worth it. It feels a lot more spacious in the back of my throat, as if there's just nothing there anymore. There isn't really.. lol. One thing I had to get used to was how easily food and drink went down my throat. Breathing has become easier and more of a pleasant experience, my sense of smell has improved, etc... Presently I feel just about tip top, aside from some dull pain upon swallowing or eating certain foods, which I'm sure will pass in time. One last thing - I said it before and I'll say it here - Thanks to everyone who has been understanding and cool about me taking the time I need / checking up on me / making me laugh/ etc.. That stuff really helps!  <3................

.......... I've come to realize there seems to be a contemporary issue with Females and this idea that it's ok to be a crazy, promiscuous, "bad" bitch - the girl who gives no fucks, not shit # 1 about what they do, who they cross, or how they live. You hear it being promoted all the time in music and other media.. Fuck everything in the world except endeavors of immediate gratification. It confuses me as to why any upstanding girl would be proud to live this way, yet it appears to be acceptable and widespread. I feel as humans, we all feel shitty about ourselves at times and catharsis is therapeutic to an extent... but to boldly proclaim that you're proud to be a raging hurtful slut bag who's only concern is your own street credit and crazy reputation, who will emotionally kill anyone that doesn't fill your most immediate needs - is beyond me. Speaking from the decent, average, fairly ordinary, straight guy's point of view - looking at all this totally turns me off! It certainly (in my opinion) isn't going to help fortify any meaningful relationship with anyone. If anything it's just going to cause further isolation and feelings of uncertainty.. I mean Isn't that one of the main points of human existence? To have meaningful relationships with other people? To me it seems to be the epitome of selfishness and more or less something to avoid in social environments. Certainly opposing what one would think to be the prerequisites of someone looking for a meaningful relationship. I AM deeply suspicious of the possibility that instead of trying to make this concept appealing to the opposite sex, it may be more of a ploy to get females to assume that the "crazier" they are, the more threatening they are to OTHER females. This, in my mind, is counter intuitive if in fact the goal is to obtain a quality person of the opposite sex. After all - the secret to change is to stop focusing on the past and put all your energy into building the future. More thoughts on this later........ 

.........I'm once again at a crossroads in terms of living situation. This happens pretty consistently whenever I move back in with family. At first I get really excited, feeling like I'm going to save money, hunker down, go underground for a while, get my life back on track, etc... and then at some point I feel like I'm ready to venture out into the world again. There's really no good reason why I can't at this point. I have a decent career and make - what I feel is to be - an acceptable amount of money. In addition to some recent motivators, my son needs his own bedroom, I need more privacy than I have now, and I can only take my family in small doses... In short - I need to get out. Everyone send me some good vibes about this.  lol.........

              

 

 

Thanks for reading : )

The unspoken vibes between people at the track

     Lately I've been on this running kick and there is a track not far from my house I like to go to. Lots of times I will see other people there, but because it's out in public and most of the time they are doing some form of exercise there is not much verbal communication that occurs. There are, however, certain exchanges of ... "vibration" I guess we could call it that takes place. I'll give you some examples...

     It never fails - If I pull up and get out of may car, adjust my headphones, and start running while there is an older lady or older man slowly walking around the track - they will almost at that very moment STOP what they're doing and leave. the nearest I can figure is that they like to be alone when they are exercising...

     Douche bags hinder my work out - I was once at the track, feeling good, kickin' some ass and suddenly a group of what appeared to be highschoolers pulled up. Once they got out of their car (all loud and obnoxious like) I heard one of them yell "awwwwwww man" then the "adult" of the group goes "ok homos I'm gonna kick your asses today!"  they all took their shirts off and laid their water bottles, weighted vests, extra shorts, etc.. down on the grass in a big pile. I could literally feel the energy drain from me as I jogged past them. One had a big afro - a white kid afro. My mood changed completely, I felt utterly pissed as they all started running in the direction opposite of the one I was going... I left shortly after.

     Some people fuel my work out - (I like this one) - very occasionally, ... maybe like once a week I will go and someone around my same age and level of experience will show up. We will somehow power each other, exchange energy so to speak and give each other that extra boost. One time a kid showed up, we ran, jogged, sprinted, stretched, etc... he's showing me about different ab routines, I'm like hey lets do terrible 10s, etc.. all without saying anything to each other. I had a really sweet workout that day.

     People will come and go - some people have no bearing on my emotions or mental activity at all, others have a tremendous effect on it. Earlier today I went and a guy was showing his daughter some basketball drills, I felt strangely comfortable and at home... like watching an episode of full house or something. They left very soon though, and I wanted to say to them, "hey! you don't have to leave It's cool what you're doing! I like it!" ... I knew that would seem weird to just say though, so I refrained.
     Later on that same day a woman drove her SUV up to the track but was hesitant to get out. She saw me and I think she didn't feel comfortable sharing the track with someone... I got sick of it - on my next pass I genuinely made eye contact and waved to her in a "come on let's get out here!" motion - I think that must have put her at ease because she smiled and started running with me. I felt good about that.

     One time I witnessed a couple of snooty bitches get into a verbal argument because one had their dog leashed, and one did not. The dog that was unleashed started scrapping with the leashed dog and their owners went at it for a little while... That was interesting. That incident had no significant effect on me, but it was fun to watch as I was cooling down.

Thanks for reading,
seeya sooooooon : p